I need sleep. If I don't get eight hours of sleep a night, I get...strange. Cranky and easily frustrated, I behave almost exactly like a two-year old that needs a nap. Except I can't nap. Gods, I wish I could nap. Just stretch out, close my eyes, and
sleep.
The insomnia started Sunday night. I had an uncomfortable epiphany about how people see me and it really bothered me. I sat up quite late and wrote it all out intending to post. I did post, but took it down again later, when I realized that it was too personal to just leave up. Apparently it went out on the RSS feed, though. Crap. So although I slept on Sunday, it was only for three hours, before I had to get the kids up and off to school.
Monday night I went to bed late again. I was busy playing video games, zoned out and lost track of time. A few short hours after falling asleep, I had a nightmare. Not just any nightmare, but the worst nightmare I've ever had. I found myself sweating, gulping deep breaths of air, shaking, and sobbing for several minutes afterward. I continued to cry for most of that morning. I won't go into detail about the dream, just say that it started out as disturbing, and escalated until culminating in death. As a child I heard that if you die in your dreams, you won't wake up - ever. Apparently, that's not true, but it was one of the more unpleasant experiences I have ever had. My stomach still churns with the overwhelming emotions that dream stirred up.
Tuesday. Game Night. Happy socializing time. Except that I was still shaken from the nightmare, and there were many people conspicuously absent. I did have a good time, but I had uncomfortable moments when I felt I wanted to be back at home, crying. I drank one cup of regular coffee, and switched to decaf for the rest of the night. At least, I
thought it was decaf. After Coffee Social began emptying I went and did a bit of grocery shopping. It wasn't until I started to drive home that I realized that I wasn't tired, and my hands were shaking. Normally I'm fighting to stay awake by nine p.m. and have a difficult time not falling asleep on the way home. Crap. I don't think those half-dozen cups were decaf. Either that or I'm too upset to be tired.
So after five hours of tossing and turning, I find myself at the computer, hoping to...heck, I don't know, I'm just rambling. I need sleep. Perhaps tonight will be the night.
